88 Minutes

Plot: The old dude from Scarface and the chick from Cybill run around solving crimes.

Review: Prior to seeing this movie, I didn't think there could ever be anything quite so boring but I now stand corrected. Despite the presence of the pasty-white-hot chick from Cybill, some half-way decent acting from Scarface (though he still doesn't know how to fake crying), 88 Minutes just felt like it went nowhere. The plot was forced, a mish-mash of cliches from countless other crime-thriller films and probably would have been improved with the addition of zombie ninjas.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?

None - what a waste of time.

Music and Lyrics

Plot: A songwriting English dude finds a muse in the form of that chick who's only famous because she was in ET.

Review: I don't know how to quite describe this movie because for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed watching something. I know what you're thinking - you've probably got an expression on your face like our two fine characters here. But this movie had everything - thrills, spills and kills! (Musical ones, at least). Perhaps it was the frustrated musician in me or perhaps it was a sheer enjoyment of seeing the cinematic equivalent of a pop chick on screen but Music and Lyrics was thoroughly enjoyable.

Don't fuck with me because I'm revealing cleavage down to my navel.

The ubiquitous English dude with the dry wit (I forget his name) was great and the chick from ET (I can't believe she's all grown up), was looking fairly good.


Big sloppy jumpers are so in.


There was laughter, there were tears, there was incredible chemistry. And no, I was not delusional from lack of sleep or imbalanced due to recreational substances - this was a decent movie. And no, that was not sarcasm. That wasn't sarcasm either.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
3 - but it would be necks of all the broken guitars in the English dude's collection.

Catch and Release

Plot: A chick flick meets chick flick with the chick from that other chick flick in it.

Review: Wow - what an incredible waste of time. For once, I should've listened to Rotten Tomatoes and not bothered but I was swayed by the fact that Death Cab For Cutie featured in the film and any film with a cool song on the soundtrack is automatically cool, right?

WRONG!
The film begins with an interesting premise but soon enters the realms of the improbable and highly moronic (as most chick flicks do - except for the ones featuring John Cusack because he's cool by default (as in Must Love Dogs, Serendipity, America's Sweethearts, Con Air)).
It's a great shame, something that not even Kevin Smith's participation can save.

So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
Half - but it would be a broken fishing rod.

Pathfinder

Plot: Conan the Barbarian meets Apocalypto - and no, it's not a good thing.

Review: This movie sounded like it could have been another action-classic but instead it ended up being a horrifying train-wreck. The initial premise was intriguing - a Viking is left stranded in North America, assimilates into the native American villages and ends up protecting them against the Viking invaders. Unfortunately, halfway through the movie, everything turns to nonsense as the Viking invaders seem to lose all sense and rationality when they commit all of their effort and energy to chase a single man. Thousands of hectares of nice, fertile land to settle in but no - the Vikings want to chase one person across the eastern coast of America. I know sliding down snowy mountains is fun, but really...

Check out the awesome tobogganing action

We later find out that the Vikings are systematically destroying all the native villages, which makes sense because they're bloodthirsty inhumane villains. Of course, it makes even more sense to trust the one person who has been living with your enemy for the past 15 years - there's no chance of betrayal there, right?



Ooh, what a large sword you have!



Of course, the movie isn't a complete waste of time. There's Karl Urban from that movie with the little people, the chick from Daybreak, the guy who played Conan on the TV series and the bad guy from Highlander (playing yet another bad guy). It's just a shame that the direction was aimless, the plot laughable and the potential for awesomeness wasted.

Actual frame from the movie (left). Special effects so life-like, it's nothing like a stunt-manikin (bottom).







So, how many ticket stubs would I give to watch this movie in a cinema again?
1 - but it would be the finger from the string of trophies owned by the Vikings.

20th August 2007

Well, it seems that Ryan Adams is coming back to Australia for another tour. His last tour clashed with Interpol, so my friends and I ended up travelling to Sydney in order to catch a show. Such bad scheduling was probably due to the fact that the Ryan keeps his eyes closed most of the time.

But what else should we expect from someone who doesn't even play an instrument - instead, he has hired several slaves to do his bidding (and probably also his seeing, as his eyes are so very tired). And what's the deal with calling his slaves 'The Cardinals' - he should just be done with it and call them Whiskeytown. Besides, it's not The Cardinals if there isn't any Catherine Popper...